Guide · For couples
Bring it up at a calm moment outside the bedroom, start with what you are curious about rather than what is missing, and make it an invitation that can be turned down. Then choose together – ideally something simple to start with – and agree in advance that you can laugh, pause or stop at any time.
There is no perfect way to say it, but there are a few things that make the conversation much easier. Choose a moment when you are both relaxed and have time – not in the middle of sex and not straight after an argument. Talk about what you are curious about and what you think you could have fun with, rather than what is not working. And make it clear that it is a suggestion, not a demand.
Many people find it easier if the conversation has a concrete goal: to look at a few toys together, to try something small one evening, or just to hear what the other person thinks. It does not have to be decided straight away. A first conversation that ends with 'I want to think about it' is also a good conversation.
Suggesting a sex toy can feel like saying something is missing. That is the most common worry – both for the person bringing it up and for the person hearing it. It helps to say straight out that that is not what it is about. A toy is an addition, in the same way as massage oil, music or a new place. It does something the body does not do by itself, such as steady vibration, but it does not replace closeness, touch or the person you are with.
Another reason is that sex is often easier to do than to talk about. Many people have never learnt an everyday language for it, and the words feel either too clinical or too explicit. It is completely normal for it to get a bit awkward. Feel free to say so out loud: 'This feels a bit embarrassing to bring up, but …' takes the drama out of it more than you might think.
Outside the bedroom is usually best. In bed, just before or after sex, you are both more vulnerable, and a suggestion can easily be heard as criticism of what you have just done. A walk, a car journey or a quiet evening on the sofa works better – situations where you sit side by side rather than facing each other, and where the conversation can come to a natural end.
Avoid moments when either of you is stressed, tired or already irritated. And do not choose a moment when the other person cannot answer honestly, such as with other people nearby.
For some people it is easier to start by text. A message like 'I saw something I got curious about, can we talk about it tonight?' gives the other person time to think, and the conversation itself becomes less charged. The important thing is that the actual conversation then happens when you can see and hear each other.
It is often the first sentence that is hardest. Here are a few ways to start, depending on how you usually talk to each other:
Curious: 'I have been thinking about trying a sex toy together. What do you think about that?'
Concrete: 'I read about a vibrator you use during sex. Do you want to have a look at it with me?'
Inviting: 'Is there anything you have wanted to try but not said? I have something I would like to suggest.'
Playful: 'I have an idea for Friday, but you only get to find out what it is if you want to.'
What they all have in common is that they leave room for an answer. Avoid phrasing that sounds like a problem to be solved, for example 'we need to spice things up' or 'I do not always come'. That may be true, but it is a different conversation – and that conversation becomes easier once sex toys are already something you can talk about in a relaxed way.
If your partner reacts with silence, a joke or a question like 'am I not enough?' – take it seriously and try to understand what is behind it. Often it is a worry about being compared with a toy, or about not being enough. Explain what you want to experience together with them, and that the toy is something you use together, not instead of them.
If the answer is no, or not now: accept it. Nagging, pressure or bringing the toy out anyway destroys trust and makes it harder to talk about sex at all. You can ask whether there is something else they would rather try, or whether you can bring it up again later on. Consent applies every time and can change – even midway through.
And if you are the one being asked and you feel unsure: it is perfectly fine to ask for time, to ask questions or to say that you want to start with something small. You do not need to like the idea for the conversation to be a good one.
Choosing together means you both own the decision. Look at reviews or an online shop together and talk about what appeals and what does not. It is also a good way to discover what the other person is curious about, which you might not have guessed.
A few questions that usually lead the right way: Do you want to use the toy during sex, as foreplay or as a massager? Who is it for – one of you, the other or both? Should it be controllable by the person not using it? And how important is it that it is quiet or easy to hide? An overview of the product types is in which sex toy is best for couples.
Start too small rather than too big. A toy that looks overwhelming can make the whole idea uncomfortable, while something simple and soft is easy to say yes to.
A wand vibrator is a gentle way to start, since it can be used on shoulders, back and legs before it is used anywhere else. Nobody has to decide anything in advance – you can let it go where it goes. Read more in how to use a wand vibrator.
Couples' vibrators and vibrating cock rings are made to be used in the middle of sex, and they make the toy something you share rather than something one of you does to the other. They are also easy to explain: 'it goes here, and then it vibrates for both of us'. More about the types in the best couples' vibrators and the best cock rings.
App-controlled toys let one person wear the toy while the other controls it – in the same room or at a distance. For many couples, that is exactly what makes the toy something shared. Talk in advance about where the limits are, for example whether the toy may be used when you are out among other people. See remote-controlled sex toys and sex toys for long-distance relationships.
Unpack and charge the toy beforehand. Waiting for it to charge or hunting for the right cable in the middle takes the edge off most things. Read the manual together – it is a way to get to know the toy without pressure. Clean it before first use.
Have water-based lube to hand. It works with silicone toys and with latex condoms. See which lube should you choose.
Start on the lowest setting and let the person feeling the vibration decide. What feels good on the hand can feel too strong on the body. Talk as you go – 'more', 'less', 'there' goes a long way.
Expect it to be clumsy, and laugh about it. A first time with a new toy is rarely the best, and it does not need to be.
Talk afterwards. What was good, what was strange, do you want to try again? That conversation is often easier than the first, and it is where you learn what works for you.
Hygiene. Clean the toy before and after every use. If you share a toy between you, or use it both anally and vaginally, put on a new condom at every switch – the NHS mentions that some people put condoms on their sex toys. Toys made of porous materials should not be shared. Read more in how to clean sex toys and lube and condoms.
Whose is it? Some toys are for both of you, others are personal. A vibrating egg such as Lovense Lush Mini is stated by the manufacturer as intended for personal use and not for sharing. Talk about it, so nobody feels steamrollered.
Storage. Where should it be kept, and who makes sure it is charged? It sounds trivial, but it often decides whether the toy gets used. See how to store sex toys.
Solo sex. It is common and fine for one of you to also use toys on your own. If that feels charged, it is worth a separate conversation.
Springing a toy on your partner in the middle of sex. What is a fun surprise for you can feel like being steamrollered for the other person. Talk first.
Buying the biggest or most advanced one first. Start with something simple you can both say yes to.
Framing it as a problem. 'We are bored' or 'you are not enough' opens no doors.
Giving up after the first attempt. It often takes a few goes before you know what you like about a new toy.
Forgetting the practical side – lube, cleaning and charging. More pitfalls in common mistakes with sex toys.
